i hate .. missing you :(

i don't remember the last time i felt that kind of relief. and although it's painful, although it's sometimes agonizing, it doesn't matter anymore, because i know my greatest fear isn't true. my useless worry, helpless and stubborn. and god i'm being juvenile again. I WANT YOU TO READ THIS. yes. i want you to know i CARE. that i miss you. i hate it. i hate not talking to you. i hate seeing you online and trying every day to delete you from my buddy list because it would be so much easier to not know that you are there. that i could just IM you. and you wouldn't respond and i know it would hurt more. but i want to talk to you. i hate being hated by you. I HATE IT. you are not that person. you are not that kind of person that writes animostic entries and posts away messages about someone dying. you. are. not. that. type of person. there are so many better things you could be doing with your emotion, your time, your feeling, your mind. you're creative and insanely talented and everything you've ever written i've loved. with or without my enthusaism. i loved all of it. it's not perfect now, but you have all the potential in the world at your fingertips. i HATE not talking to you. it drives me insane. that entry, a while ago, you mentioned something about blood. something about it and i knew it wasn't referring to me, and i cried. i sat there and fucking cried, because i don't want you to feel that way, i don't want you to resort to that. i went to her, and asked her to talk to you, but you hated her too at that time and there was nothing. no reassurance. no calming words. i wanted so badly to just know you were, okay. okay. just okay. i know nothings perfect ever, but just, okay. BUT I CAN"T EVEN POST THIS ENTRY. ever! you won't ever read it! because it's never going to mean ANYTHING to you. even if i did end up posting it, you would turn it around and call me a hypocrit. i will never be able to justify anything. the feeling of having every single fucking word that comes out of your mouth mean nothing when to you it means EVERYTHING, is the single most frustrating, depressing feeling i have ever felt.